There's a trend among the divine to avoid direct conversations. It's no secret that we've historically been a theatrical bunch, prone to convoluted schemes, esoteric reasoning and (admittedly) some pretty self-contradictory logic. That's why, when invited to speak with the Big G himself, I was already bracing myself for an excess of meaningless small talk. No matter how much I might pride myself on being a diligent fellow with an eye for the details, experience has taught me that it's unrealistic to expect straight answers from a top-tier deity.
Color me impressed. One doesn't expect God to be a plain-spoken fellow, somber and thoughtful in his reasoning, but that's exactly who I sat down to coffee with on a rainy Tuesday.
"Big fan," God tells me, shaking my hand in a firm, reassuring grip. "I've got some messengers of my own, but they don't have the swagger to pull off winged sandals."
"It's a classic look," I laugh, still a little taken aback. I've never met God in person. He usually hangs around the higher dimensions, inaccessible to a lower-level deity like me. I have, however, read His Bible, and it's grim stuff. I didn't expect the fellow who wrote abut drowning a planet full of sentient beings to be so…well, nice.
"How's Zeus these days?" God inquires. "We used to close down the bars, back in the non-material, pre-universal era. I knew his dad, of course, but obviously we don't talk about Cronus anymore."
"Same as always," I assure him. "If it's not rude of me, could we --"
"Start the interview," agrees God. "Best to get business out of the way, I completely agree. What would you like to know?"
I check my notes. "I was hoping you might clear up some ambiguity regarding the universe. A few of the other high-level gods claim they're responsible for existence, rather than you. Any comments?"
"I've answered this before," says God, but with a smile. "Any one deity claiming responsibility for reality is asking for trouble. You can't view existence in such black-and-white terms. Reality is a gradient, not a fact. Does that help?"
"Er," I say, checking my notes again. I had something for this, but God carries on without waiting for a reply.
"Let's get to the real issue," He says, folding His hands in His omnipresent lap. "We deities mustn't shoehorn ourselves into a single perception of reality, or a non-perception of sub-reality. Our perspectives have to be broader. Otherwise, we start running into the sorts of logical irregularities you were hoping to confront today. Oh yes, I'm well aware of it," He says, nodding. "This so called 'Problem of Humanity'."
I clear my throat. "Well, as long as we're on the subject, have you any thoughts on humanity?"
"Yes," says God. "I don't believe in them."
There's a little pause.
"Sorry?" I say, taken aback. "You don't believe in humanity?"
"Correct," says God. "I know you're not omniscient, Hermes, so take my word for it -- humanity doesn't exist. They're a myth. A fairy tale invented by deities so we won't have to feel so vast and limitless. If there really were some sort of mortal race with transcendent, eternal souls, don't you think I would have noticed?"
"I suppose," I admit. "But what about those gods who say that belief in humanity isn't an absolute? That it requires faith? Even some of the omniscient gods are willing to entertain the notion that humanity may exist in a reality outside our perception."
"Preposterous," scoffs God. "I am omniscient, and I don't believe tripe like that. Are you going to take Allah's word over mine?"
"Actually, some folks have been whispering that you and Allah are one and the same," I offer, trying not to sound meek. (I've heard through the theological grapevine that God isn't a fan of this conjecture.) "The same has been said for Vishnu. And for the record, Vishnu told me that nearly ninety percent of all deities believe in humanity."
"Vishnu." God rolls His eyes. "Blue-skinned boob. Never trust a guy with extra arms. In any case, no, I don't believe in humanity. And I don't care how many other gods believe in them -- everyone could be wrong, and it wouldn't change the facts. There's not a shred of logical, scientific evidence for the existence of humanity. I've done the research myself. Has Vishnu examined the laws of physics? I have. Every last atom in every conceivable universe. Don't you think, if humanity existed, I'd have found some evidence?"
"Most likely," I agree. "But -- sorry to circle back -- didn't you say that existence can't be viewed in black-and-white terms? That our perceptions have to be broad? Can't we apply those same requirements to a belief in humanity?"
"Don't be ridiculous. That doesn't even make sense."
"But you said --"
"Move along please, Hermes. No one likes a nag."
I clear my throat. "What about your Bible, then? You wrote that yourself, and it's full of facts about humanity."
"It's full of stories about humanity," God corrects me. "The Bible is a book. Is every book true?"
"Well…no, I suppose not."
"Precisely. The Bible is just a little thing I threw together a few billion years ago. I was bored, and Ganesh had been talking about this idea of mortal beings, so I thought I'd jot down a little story about them. It turned out longer than I planned, but it wasn't bad for a quick scribble. Although --" he leans forward with a secretive grin "-- I never did get around to writing that second draft."
"You were going to revise it?" This is a new one on me. "What would that have included?"
"Massive alterations. The first draft of my Bible is chock full of issues. To be honest, I didn't fully think through the 'Jesus' character, and he wound up a bit unbalanced. And that's not even getting into the way I wrote myself. Ever noticed what a prick I am in the Old Testament?"
"I had not noticed that," I say, keeping my tone neutral.
"Of course not," God chuckles. "Anyway, I'll get around to it one of these millennia. In the meantime, I'd suggest you keep after your interviews and just forget about humanity. We deities have enough to think about without wasting time on fairy tales."
"Fairy tales?" I say, surprised. "But in the book, humanity regards the Bible as the ultimate law. They use it to govern their lives, even to the point of killing each other. Isn't calling it a fairy tale a little…insulting?"
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