Muslim Official Protests Altered Images

Members of the Muslim community spoke out today, offended by images they claim were, "Drastically altered."

"It's very upsetting," says Muslim Cleric Hudhafah Shamim. "The original images portray a peaceful rally held by a calm, rational gathering of Muslim citizens. This displays the true feelings of Muslims, while the altered versions paint a very different picture."

The altered photo:

And the original:

Such incidents have recently been on the rise. Asked who he believes might be behind this shameful slander, Shamim's response is immediate.

"The militant atheists are on the move," says the Cleric. "They'll stop at nothing to convince the world that Islam encourages violence and chaos. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could believe it."

Scientology Receives Coveted Award

The Academy of World Religions held its annual award ceremony Saturday evening, and as always, the star-studded spectacle was a treat to behold. Theological celebrities from around the world arrived in a whirl of splendor and -- owing to Pope's personal attendance -- no small amount of rhinestones.

"Nothing wrong with dressing for an occasion!" chuckled John Paul Benedict Cumberland XXVVII, the reflectivity of whose outfit (a collaboration between Armani, Gucci and the Liberace estate) is reported to have caused several minor traffic accidents. "If we can't let our hair down tonight -- purely in honor the Holy Father, of course -- when can we?"

Muslim Cleric Hudhafah Shamim was of a similar mindset. "This old thing?" he said, referring to the live peacock draped across his shoulders. "Oh, I just threw it on before leaving the hotel. Draws the eye though, wouldn't you agree?"

Members of various religions also entertained onlookers by attempting to convert one another to their opposing faiths. Accounts are still scattered, but Peter Stubsford, multi-trillionaire leader of the Mormon Financial Association, is reputed to have come dangerously close to a change of heart.

"There's just something about those Wiccans," he mused. "I can't put my finger on it, exactly. Must be the power of their rhetoric."

Stubsford's competitor in the debate, Genevieve Oakmoon, was extremely casual regarding her victory. "I've always been persuasive," she agreed. "And, with no offense meant to Stubsford, Wicca simply has…a lot more to offer than Mormonism. Would you excuse me? It's a bit chilly tonight." Oakmoon then excused herself and proceeded into the hall. In traditional custom for modern Wiccans, she and her company were entirely nude.

The highlight of the evening, as always, were the awards themselves. Christianity took home its usual 'Religion With Most Self-Contradictory Scripture', while Islam handily secured the award for 'Least Effective Way to Provide Guidance on Basically Any Subject'. In a surprise turn, Islam was also awarded 'Most Disappointing Afterlife', owing to the fact that -- as most men agreed in a recent Gallup poll -- being granted seventy-two virgins, "Just isn't that appealing, you know?"

The evening's runaway success, however, was Scientology. In addition to the expected awards ('Best New(ish) Religion', 'Religion Most Likely to Become a Major Motion Picture', and 'Best Way to Drive Desperate People into Crippling Debt'), Scientology also received the coveted 'Religion with the Most Batshit Insane Theology / Seriously, How Does Anybody Believe This Crap?'.

"Yeah, we're really proud," said Hollywood mega-star Doug Shooter, one of Scientology's most vocal advocates. "It's not easy to make people believe the kind of stuff we throw at 'em, but we've got the tax-exempt profits to prove it's possible. I can only speak for myself, but my past lives as a clam were pretty enlightening. Without Scientology's guidance, I never would have learned that we're the souls of dead aliens imprisoned on Earth by Darth Vader. Or…shit…fucking Voldemort, or whoever the fuck our allegory for Satan is supposed to be. Don't ask me, I can't understand this shit unless I'm stoned."

When asked to comment on Scientology's rise to stardom, Pope Cumberland and Cleric Hudhafah were noncommittal.

"It's nice that the kids are having fun," said Cumberland, "but Scientology needs a bit more oomph to become a major player in the religious arena. Don't get me wrong, fleecing suckers of their hard-earned money is a great start. I'm just a little skeptical about Scientology's staying power. How is a religion supposed to get any traction if it encourages people to seek enlightenment within themselves? A good religion tells people what's true, not how to find the path to truth."

"It's just a fad," said Hudhafah, adjusting his peacock. "No religion can survive if it isn't beheading, stoning or burning the unfaithful. At the very least, it should have some incredibly restrictive prohibitions about sex. Scientology doesn't cover any of those bases, and to top it off, they haven't got a single crusade or ethnic cleansing to their name. To me, those are the things that really make a religion. I mean, I'm no fan of Christianity, but Jehovah really fucked some people up in the Old Testament. Dude killed the entire world with that Noah's-Ark-Flood-Thing. That's a good day's work, amirite?"

Surprisingly present were a small contingent of atheists and secular humanists. When questioned about their unexpected attendance, the group freely admitted they were gate-crashing.

"We love sneaking into these things," said a cosmologist, who requested to remain nameless. "It's good entertainment value for the money, and those little Catholic wafers are great with salsa."

First Muslim Ever to be Annoyed

In a shocking turn of events, someone has upset a Muslim.

Though difficult to accept, the facts of the matter speak for themselves. On Monday, February 10th, Eric Bobberson of Seattle, Washington made a comment to his girlfriend regarding a coworker named 'Muhammad'. As Bobberson was experiencing difficulties with Muhammad (allegedly over a failure to replace an empty toner cartridge), he was overhead to mention, "Yeah, Muhammad can be a little annoying sometimes."

Unbeknownst to Bobberson, Aahil Ibinalhim, a practicing member of the Islamic faith, happened to overhear the comment. Rising calmly from his seat at a nearby Starbucks patio, Ibinalhim proceeded to politely interrupt the conversation and voice his concern over what he felt, "Could possibly have been an insult to the Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him.)"

Surprised at this unusual display of emotion from a Muslim (traditionally known for their calm demeanor and preference for rational discourse), Bobberson hastened to clarify. With the misunderstanding resolved, Ibinalhim apologized for the intrusion, and invited Bobberson and his girlfriend for a Caramel Flan Latte. Reports indicate that the trio, along with Muhammad, are attending a Taylor Swift concert later this week.

Reaction to the incident has been widespread and, sadly, typical for such situations. While Muslim officials have responded with the patience and understanding characteristic of their community, radical non-religious sects were swift to attack several mosques and Starbucks locations. Police are still investigating a viral video in which a quartet of militant atheists appear to devour Bobberson's cat, Sniffles.

"We've come to expect this sort of behavior from secular humanists," said Police Chief Roger Huffbrook, at a press conference following the eruption of violence. "Studies have repeatedly shown that logical thought and a dedication to rationality can only lead to a life of brutal crime. This particular pack of savages was led by Kirk Cameron, known to have recently relapsed into the militant atheism that plagued his childhood."

Also weighing in on the matter was Pope John Paul Benedict Cumberland XXVVII. Pausing in his distribution of contraceptives and AIDS-awareness pamphlets in a small African village, the Pope mused that, "Humanists are only doing what their beliefs require. Unlike the sensible Christian and Muslim faiths, which demand nothing illogical of their followers, atheists have no choice but to commit these atrocities."

When asked whether he forgives the rationalist-led attacks, the Pope replied, "Well, we must hold them accountable for their actions, but I think it best to grant them a degree of latitude. Their lack of faith doesn't afford them the stability of a nice, reliable god. After all, can you imagine someone using religion to justify violence? The very idea is absurd!"