The Academy of World Religions held its annual award ceremony Saturday evening, and as always, the star-studded spectacle was a treat to behold. Theological celebrities from around the world arrived in a whirl of splendor and -- owing to Pope's personal attendance -- no small amount of rhinestones.
"Nothing wrong with dressing for an occasion!" chuckled John Paul Benedict Cumberland XXVVII, the reflectivity of whose outfit (a collaboration between Armani, Gucci and the Liberace estate) is reported to have caused several minor traffic accidents. "If we can't let our hair down tonight -- purely in honor the Holy Father, of course -- when can we?"
Muslim Cleric Hudhafah Shamim was of a similar mindset. "This old thing?" he said, referring to the live peacock draped across his shoulders. "Oh, I just threw it on before leaving the hotel. Draws the eye though, wouldn't you agree?"
Members of various religions also entertained onlookers by attempting to convert one another to their opposing faiths. Accounts are still scattered, but Peter Stubsford, multi-trillionaire leader of the Mormon Financial Association, is reputed to have come dangerously close to a change of heart.
"There's just something about those Wiccans," he mused. "I can't put my finger on it, exactly. Must be the power of their rhetoric."
Stubsford's competitor in the debate, Genevieve Oakmoon, was extremely casual regarding her victory. "I've always been persuasive," she agreed. "And, with no offense meant to Stubsford, Wicca simply has…a lot more to offer than Mormonism. Would you excuse me? It's a bit chilly tonight." Oakmoon then excused herself and proceeded into the hall. In traditional custom for modern Wiccans, she and her company were entirely nude.
The highlight of the evening, as always, were the awards themselves. Christianity took home its usual 'Religion With Most Self-Contradictory Scripture', while Islam handily secured the award for 'Least Effective Way to Provide Guidance on Basically Any Subject'. In a surprise turn, Islam was also awarded 'Most Disappointing Afterlife', owing to the fact that -- as most men agreed in a recent Gallup poll -- being granted seventy-two virgins, "Just isn't that appealing, you know?"
The evening's runaway success, however, was Scientology. In addition to the expected awards ('Best New(ish) Religion', 'Religion Most Likely to Become a Major Motion Picture', and 'Best Way to Drive Desperate People into Crippling Debt'), Scientology also received the coveted 'Religion with the Most Batshit Insane Theology / Seriously, How Does Anybody Believe This Crap?'.
"Yeah, we're really proud," said Hollywood mega-star Doug Shooter, one of Scientology's most vocal advocates. "It's not easy to make people believe the kind of stuff we throw at 'em, but we've got the tax-exempt profits to prove it's possible. I can only speak for myself, but my past lives as a clam were pretty enlightening. Without Scientology's guidance, I never would have learned that we're the souls of dead aliens imprisoned on Earth by Darth Vader. Or…shit…fucking Voldemort, or whoever the fuck our allegory for Satan is supposed to be. Don't ask me, I can't understand this shit unless I'm stoned."
When asked to comment on Scientology's rise to stardom, Pope Cumberland and Cleric Hudhafah were noncommittal.
"It's nice that the kids are having fun," said Cumberland, "but Scientology needs a bit more oomph to become a major player in the religious arena. Don't get me wrong, fleecing suckers of their hard-earned money is a great start. I'm just a little skeptical about Scientology's staying power. How is a religion supposed to get any traction if it encourages people to seek enlightenment within themselves? A good religion tells people what's true, not how to find the path to truth."
"It's just a fad," said Hudhafah, adjusting his peacock. "No religion can survive if it isn't beheading, stoning or burning the unfaithful. At the very least, it should have some incredibly restrictive prohibitions about sex. Scientology doesn't cover any of those bases, and to top it off, they haven't got a single crusade or ethnic cleansing to their name. To me, those are the things that really make a religion. I mean, I'm no fan of Christianity, but Jehovah really fucked some people up in the Old Testament. Dude killed the entire world with that Noah's-Ark-Flood-Thing. That's a good day's work, amirite?"
Surprisingly present were a small contingent of atheists and secular humanists. When questioned about their unexpected attendance, the group freely admitted they were gate-crashing.
"We love sneaking into these things," said a cosmologist, who requested to remain nameless. "It's good entertainment value for the money, and those little Catholic wafers are great with salsa."
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