A Warning

Not in the sense of, "Oh gee, I feel a little bit worse than I did a few minutes ago, maybe I should go eat an apple and get some exercise." This is the real deal. Actual, complete destruction on a subatomic level. The complete severing of all electrical bonds between every atom of your physical body. It will be thorough, and it will be horrifying.

Run along now.

You're still reading, aren't you? What's your problem? Do you not understand the word 'warning'? It was right at the top of this post in big red letters. Right after that was a clear, concise statement that reading this would destroy you, followed by an equally clear statement about what that destruction would entail. And yet, here you are, still reading away. Why is that? Actually, ignore that question. The answer is obvious.

You don't believe the warning, do you? You think this is just another screwball page on the internet. You don't need to pay a lick of attention to any of this, because it's all just a silly joke. It may, in fact, be some sort of scam. When you get to the end of this text, you'll be instructed to send your banking information to a Nigerian Prince, only to have your life savings stolen by a fourteen-year-old hacker living in Spokane.

Do you think the word 'skeptic' grants you some sort of immunity from destruction? A special pass from the horrible annihilation lurking just around the corner? Well newsflash, smarty-pants:

You're boned. Screwed. Utterly buggered, and nothing you can do will stop that. Your only hope at this point is to stop reading right now and go cower in a closet like the miserable wretch you are.

You haven't done it. You're still here.

All right, fine. Let's say -- just for a second -- that you're right. Reading this won't destroy you. What then? What will you have gained?

You'll be exactly as lukewarm and mediocre as you were before coming here. You won't be special. You won't be a unique, beautiful snowflake. You won't even be brave or impressive for having defied the will of some idiot with a blog, reading on when they told you to leave. It doesn't matter.

Are you STILL reading? Good grief you're persistent. Okay, fine. You know what? This is impressive. Not very, but a little bit. And because of that, you win a prize. A really, really good prize. You, in fact, win the Daily Downfall's 'Pretty Impressive But Not Really All That Great' prize. Scroll down a little. It's waiting for you in the next paragraph.

Ha! Sucker! There is no prize! Now don't you feel stupid? You really believed there'd be something here, didn't you? Well you were 

and now you feel like an idiot!

Hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back! I'm sorry I called you an idiot!

I'm so lonely.