"Shia LaBeouf is a miserable poser!" declares Simon Droopy, president of the Coalition of American Losers. He pauses to blow his nose on a somewhat mangy handkerchief before continuing, "Some of us have dedicated years to the craft of being shamelessly pathetic, while others are just beginning to achieve success. We won't sit idly by while some Hollywood sleaze-bag steals our hard-earned spotlight!"
The eponymous 'Hollywood sleaze-bag' is none other than actor (possibly former actor) Shia LaBeouf, who has recently been delighting Yahoo News readers with a rich variety of schaudenfreude-inducing antics. Beginning with a drunk-driving incident during the filming of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, LaBeouf has escalated on insulting costars, directors, and crews of many other projects, securing his status as one of Hollywood's least-liked (and therefore most useful) fixtures.
"I don't know what we'd do without guys like Shia," says Transformers director Michael Bay, nodding enthusiastically. "We rely on people like him to draw attention away from the shockingly poor quality of our films. What else can we do? Make good movies? Please."
Simon Droopy isn't having any of it. "The man is a filthy fraud!" he bellows, banging his fist for emphasis. "He was contractually obligated to make out with Megan Fox, and now he's getting paid to make big-budget porn! What excuse does he have to be unhappy?"
When informed that LaBeouf's newest film (Nymphomaniac, helmed by director Lars Von Trier) isn't technically porn, Droopy only grows angrier.
"Don't bother me with semantics!" he shouts. "The point is that no matter how many paper bags Shia LaBeouf wears over his head, no matter how much he apologizes to people he hasn't met for things he didn't do, he isn't legitimately pathetic! Our Coalition is chock-full of people completely committed to the craft. Shia could never be one of us!"
Droopy may have a point. Originally founded in 1976, the Coalition of American Losers seeks to distill and personify all the most cringe-worthy aspects of American culture. Ranging from introductory members (classified between 'Kind of Lame' and 'What a Douche') to the much-vaunted 'Absolute Human Wreckage', the CAL displays genuine dedication to its goals.
"I haven't showered, shaved, or eaten non-expired food in three weeks," declares Droopy, beaming with watery-eyed pride. "Every inch of my house is chock-full of People magazine issues about the Kardashians, and the only television I watch is Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo. Did I mention I'm illegally squatting in the house?"
Other members of CAL express similar sentiments.
"He's a giant fraud," says Rebecca Lamest. "You expect me to believe that a successful twenty-seven-year-old actor with infinite potential and millions of dollars is pathetic? I had my name legally changed to 'Lamest'! I've lived in a cardboard box for nine years! I've declared bankruptcy four times! What has Shia done? Plagiarized a cartoonist and posted a few dumb things on Twitter? That's amateur hour!"
Even LaBeouf's most recent move -- an art installation where visitors can view him crying and accost him with assorted 'implements' -- fails to impress the CAL.
"It's shoddy workmanship at best," Droopy growls, while Lamest nods her agreement. "For that matter, it's not even original. Joaquin Phoenix pulled the same crap three years ago, and now he's got a movie where he has sex with his phone. At least, I think he does. That's what Her is about, right?"
Whether the Coalition's complaints will gain traction remains to be seen. In the meantime, readers can look forward to learning why, if Shia no longer wishes to be famous, he insists on hurling himself into degrading situations of his own design.
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