After an exhaustive study, researchers at the West Standbrook Department of Lethalogy have released their conclusive results: EVERYTHING will kill you.
"It's a matter of circumstance," says Dr. Malcom Grisly. "We couldn't be certain until the study was complete, but we're now confident that every single thing in the universe, when properly applied, will kill you.
"Consider the humble rock," says Grisly, indicating an ordinary sample of limestone on his desk. "Left to its own devices, it's basically harmless. But propelled at a few hundred miles and hour and aimed at a convenient human skull, that's a guaranteed kill. Same goes for twigs, peanuts, small children. You name it, we can kill something with it."
When asked how he was able to conduct such a thorough study, Grisly credits the university's progressive policies.
"West Standbrook is a groundbreaking institution," says Grisly, himself a former student. "Our work wouldn't have been possible without the Mandatory Science program, which requires student participation in at least three studies every year. It's true that not all the freshmen were happy about being selected for our catapult tests, but I think they'd agree that the collected data was worth the trouble."
Grisly also expresses his gratitude to the community.
"We had an incredible degree of cooperation from many of West Standbook's businesses. Everybody stepped up, from hardware stores to the local zoo. We couldn't have completed our unit on predator-prey relationships without the tigers and hyenas they lent us."
Of special importance are Grisly's conclusions on the less prominent causes of death.
"When we say 'everything', we mean it," Grisly stresses. "Astrology? One of the signs is actually named 'Cancer'. Veganism? Fries your immune system like a microwave. Might as well be called, 'Invitation to any flesh-eating bacteria in the tri-county area-ism'. And don't even get me started on subatomic particles. Let's just say that if you underestimate an electron, you're not long for this Earth."
When asked what steps one might take to avoid untimely demise, Grisly responds with a dry chuckle.
"Forget it. If you're reading this article on a computer, your head will explode from the screen's electromagnetic emissions. If it's on paper, you can enjoy immolation when the page spontaneously combusts. It's basically a lost cause."
Fortunately, Grisly has a solution.
"We haven't arrived at a firm course of action yet, but my department is presently researching a variety of ways to destroy the universe. The end result is the same, but it'll save everyone a lot of hassle. Look forward to our announcement!"
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