Pornographers Seek Reprieve

A heartfelt plea for mercy was heard today, originating from the world's most beloved industry.

"We just need a fighting chance," says professional pornographer Jasper Slick. "In the last three years, porn-profits have dropped nearly ninety-five percent. We're trying our best to keep it up, but I think we might be screwed."

"All of us are doing our best," says Hung Well, South Korean star of more than three thousand hands-on-romances. "We put in long, hard hours, but lately, payouts have been a bit limp."

Hung Well is certainly understating the crisis. Until recently, 'romance documentaries' have been the single most lucrative industry on the planet. In 2010 alone, pornographers listed take-home earnings of over seven-hundred trillion dollars, largely thanks to a partnership with McDonalds.

"We've always been in the business of putting smiles on our customers' faces," says Ron M. Donald, CEO of the fast-food mega-chain. "The creation of the adult-oriented Extra-Happy Meal -- each of which contains both a DVD and a safe, fun and completely hygienic toy! -- was a natural step in what has proved to be an extremely popular direction. We encourage all our customers to have their break today. We guarantee, they'll be lovin' it!"

Donald's optimism aside, the once-giant industry has shriveled noticeably in the cold economy. While various international factors may be to blame, the iconic actress Jenny Biggums has a different view.

"There's only one person to blame," declares Biggums. "Jennifer Lawrence is a menace to every erotica star in the industry! Since she came along, our winters have been totally boned. People are hungry for her games, and we just can't compete -- she's a first-class act." 

Word on the street seems to support Biggums' perspective. Based on random polls on high school and college campuses, nearly all Special Happy Time since 2011 has been dedicated exclusively to the talented young star.

Nevertheless, Biggums and her co-workers are optimistic.

"Sure, things are a bit flat right now," says Biggums, "but I'm absolutely sure we'll bounce back!"

"We just need to catch our breath," promises Well Hung. "In fifteen to twenty minutes, I promise we'll be back for more!"