Scientist Confirms: Bigfoot is a F**king Dick

As readers will doubtless be aware, a rash of unexpected misfortune has recently swept across the Pacific Northwest. Incidents of missing socks have skyrocketed, and misplaced keys, purses and wallets have become similarly problematic. Further, a distressing number of cats have been found with their fur shorn into unacceptably passé styles.

What is the source of this chaos? Why has the standard degree of everyday misfortune increased so drastically, and in such a short duration?

Researchers at the West Standbrook College of Natural Sciences believe they have discovered the answer.

"After much study, and many nights freezing our backsides off in the woods," says Archibald Butterswot, professor of cryptozoology, "my team is relieved to announce our findings. The recent difficulties have been caused by Bigfoot."

The American Sasquatch (often mistaken for a yeti, gorilla, or Zach Galifinikas) has long been known to possess a mischievous streak. The most prominent member of the species is indeed Bigfoot, known for frustrating photographers in his refusal to pose for focused pictures.

"In past decades, Bigfoot has traditionally been content to remain in the forest, avoiding contact with humans," says Butterswot. "However, we've observed a dramatic shift in Bigfoot's typical patterns of behavior. He has become downright obnoxious, and after much study, my team has concluded that Bigfoot is a fucking douche."

When questioned whether this is a reasonable determination for a scientific study, Butterswot is emphatic.

"Science has proven the existence of an objective standard for assholes," says the professor, speaking from his well-funded laboratory on the West Standbrook campus. "We have a preponderance of evidence, ranging from fossil records to specific genetic encoding, that being a dick is simply a biological imperative for many organisms."

While Butterswot's claims are surprising, there does seem to be a great deal of evidence to support his theory.

"In recent weeks, we've observed Bigfoot committing countless incidents of TAB -- Total Asshole Behavior,"says Butterswot. "In addition to hiding socks and harassing house-pets, Bigfoot has also been seen wearing a sideways baseball cap, a Bluetooth headset, and using a stolen Android tablet to stream episodes of Game of Thrones and Orange is the New Black, quickly depleting the monthly data allowance of many suburban households. This alone should illustrate the severity of Bigfoot's condition -- he's such a prick he didn't even bother to steal an iPad."

When asked what can be done about the Sasquatch's behavior, Butterswot only shakes his head.

"Assholes are immune to all forms of criticism and recompense. If history is any indication, we can expect Bigfoot to continue in this vein for the foreseeable future. My advice is to keep your pets indoors and secure your wireless routers. It's reasonable to assume that Bigfoot will soon become as problematic as the Loch Ness Monster, that miserable bitch."